Could You Invent a Word For Me?
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Wednesday, May 28, 2008
12:47AM
It's over.
Have not cried. Only laughed, and felt like sobbing, but never did.
edit 12:53 a.m.: Nevermind. Here come the tears.
Monday, March 24, 2008
So I got out of work early tonight, as usual, and was greeted by the latest issue of Spin magazine laying on my desk when I walked into my room. After leafing through and skimming articles, as I am wont to do upon first opening a new issue, I come across the reviews section at the end of the magazine.
The first review is for Gnarls Barkley's new album. I take interest in it, because I'm reviewing the same album for Twisted Ear. I look at the byline. It's written by Will Hermes.
A.k.a. my Writing for the Arts professor.
I can't explain why I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. Probably because I'm elated that this is something I can talk to him about, because I admire him so much, but probably also because I know I will never talk to him about it because I'll feel like a kiss ass. Dammit.
Meanwhile, in the world of musical irony, The Format had to sing all these lines that coincide with my plight.
Can we please take this hour and talk about me
and my hatred for corporate magazines?
Well you know they don't speak to me.
The irony is they won't speak with me.
-- "I'm Actual" The Format
Current mood:  ::facepalm:: Current music: I'm Actual by The Format
Friday, June 1, 2007
This took me far too long to complete and I spent far too much time wrestling with my faulty wireless connection, but here it is. This is my Masterpiece Of 2007. Be kind and enjoy, because the amount of time I spent fucking zipping all of these albums so people could download them is nauseating and somewhat depressing.
( Nikki's Current Top 50 Albums of All Time )
Current mood:  pleased Current music: Amy singing on the phone
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
From now on?
FRIENDS ONLY
Yeah, that's right.
I fucking went there.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Reading over past entries, I've discovered I have a basic format I follow for updating my Livejournal without even realizing it.
Subject:
some weird metaphor that either has some relation to what I'm writing about or is related to how I'm feeling at the moment. Or a song lyric from whatever I'm listening to that fits my mood.
Body:
a) prattling on about how much I love my friends
b) bitching about something
c) bitching about someone, but very vaguely because that person probably reads this journal
d) talking about home
e) talking about growing up
c) a survey
note: generally, all bodies end with weird thoughts in weird formats
Music:
Whatever I'm listening to at the time. Sometimes I'll put music on just to say that I'm listening to something.
Mood:
If I'm in a weird mood, I'll pick a corresponding face and write something into the space. Otherwise, whatever I'm feeling. Obviously.
I wish I wasn't so predictable.
Current mood:  intrigued Current music: Completely Miserable by Sophia Wortzel (<3 my suitemates)
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Name:
Nikki
What does your name mean?:
Nicole apparently comes from the Greek name Nicolette, which means "The People's Victory"
Does this meaning describe you at all?:
No, I don't really think so.
How many teeth have you lost?:
Sixteen?
Worst haircut?:
Probably when I got a comb tangled in my hair in second grade and cut it out with a pair of safety scissors. I had a mini mohawk for a while after that.
Best day of your life:
I don't know. I've had a lot of really good days.
Worst day of your life:
I don't know. I've had a lot of really bad days.
Which teacher do you like the most?:
Right now? My black studies professor.
Which teacher likes YOU the most?:
None of my professors really know me that well, but in high school I'd have to say probably Mrs. Danowski or Miss Dennelly.
What children's show do you still end up watching that no one knows you watch?:
Foster's Home For Imaginary...whatever the hell the rest of that title is.
Who are you often mistaken for?:
Kim Manahan back in middle school and the beginning of high school. I also get "You look like someone I met once." a lot from total strangers.
Do you ever open your bedroom window?:
Yeah.
How many TV theme songs do you know by heart?:
Too many for me to have a high opinion of myself.
What are they?:
Degrassi, South Park, The Nanny, Family Guy, The L Word, Queer as Folk, and oodles more.
Do YoU EvEr ToKK lYkE ThIS?:
No. Don't ever do that again.
...Why?:
I'm not sure why anyone would take that much time to alternate capital and lower case letters, along with an exponential amount of spelling errors. That and the fact that it makes you look like a fucking idiot.
What is one thing about your parents that you absolutely cannot stand?:
There's too much to list with both of them.
Do you still listen to the Spice Girls?:
Of course.
How organized are you?:
Not at all.
What is the best decoration in your room?:
At home it's my collage of photos, at school it's the letter Jamie and Liz wrote me.
What is your most embarrassing AIM screen name?:
BleedingPens, only because everyone thinks it says "bleeding penis"
What is your ideal food?:
Depends what mood I'm in. When I'm PMSing though it's ALWAYS pecorino romano cheese.
What does your phone number spell?:
I have no idea. Emily's spells fascist though!
What color is your mousepad?
Don't have one.
Do you use mechanical pencils?:
Yes, but I don't like them.
What is the last concert that you attended?:
Sonic Youth and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Was it any good?:
I wasn't into Sonic Youth at all, but The Yeah Yeah Yeahs fucking ruled.
What are your grandparents' names?:
On my dad's side, Vera and Lou. On my mom's side, Francis and...I don't know, actually.
What is it about your favorite band that makes them so good?:
The Shins because I can put them on no matter what mood I'm in and they fit.
What are your addictions?:
Cigarettes and spening money.
When you skip school, what do you do?:
Sleep or homework.
Do you clip your nails or bite them?:
Clip.
What is the scariest scenario that could ever happen to you?:
Being buried alive or publicly humiliated.
What brand of peanut butter do you eat?:
I don't really eat peanut butter that much, but I guess Skippy.
Have you ever done yoga?:
Yes. Fuck you, health and fitness.
Who do you find yourself creating on the Sims the most often?:
Myself.
Do you wear socks after they get holes in them?:
Yes.
Have you ever tasted the vomit flavor of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans?:
Yes. Didn't go over well.
When you're nervous, does picturing everybody naked REALLY help?:
No.
What song do you absolutely adore that, if discovered, would embarrass you greatly?:
All of The Neverhood soundtrack. But I don't think it's that embarrassing.
What color is the inside of your wallet?:
I lost my motherfuckin wallet, kthnx.
If you have a digital alarm clock, what color are the numbers?:
Black.
Do you still pick your nose, however casually? (This includes the casual scratch at the nostril while actually picking.):
I try to avoid it because it makes me feel weird.
Which of the seven sins are you?:
All of them.
When was the last time you took a school bus?:
With Michelle and Eliza on the way to the mall in Poughkeepsie.
If you could have any accent, what would it be?:
English, Scottish, Irish, or Russian.
What is your favorite weird smell?:
Gasoline or laundromats.
What brand deodorant do you use?:
Arrid
What's your favorite store slogan/jingle?:
King Kullen!
What search engine do you use?:
Google
Current mood:  waste of time!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
So this afternoon I stepped out of my car into Port Jeff with people I don't think have hung out together there since we were sixteen. Or at least, not that I can remember.
It was the same crew, the old crew, sort of--Jon, Butcher, Alex, Emily, me, plus Borek and John. It felt weird. Not like "Wow, nothing has changed." Everything has changed. We have cars. Alex drove us from the Harbor Square Mall to CVS so we wouldn't have to walk, but I didn't partake in the ride because I didn't want to have to put my cigarette out. I wondered how we could do that every Saturday from noon to five and not ever get bored. I thought about how I was so against smoking when I was in eighth grade. I checked my bank account ($10.65) and thought about how I never used to worry about money or budgeting myself. I thought about the warm summer days and Rhetts and the commie boat and wading in the creek. When I would call it Town and not Port Jeff because Town was a place, it was a noun, and it called to be capitalized. And I remembered Erin and Ashley and Kim and Julia and Travis and all those kids we didn't call for one reason or another. And everything those reasons were, and everything they meant.
And at five o' clock we hugged and said goodbye and I got in my car and drove John home, a role reversal of sorts. And I came to my dad's and here I am now and I'm thinking about being home after months of being at New Paltz. And I'm trying to figure out what home is and where I belong and what I missed when I was sleeping in a bed that wasn't mine, but was.
And I'm thinking about whether or not what I miss is still here, or if it's something that's gone. Something I just have to get used to being a memory instead of something I can get back through a sixty dollar round trip. Because I don't know anymore, I just don't know, or maybe I do and I just don't want to admit it.
Sometimes I'm scared to admit that I'm in the processing of growing up like I never have before, and I don't know why.
Current mood:  pensive Current music: My dad and Jineen arguing about spiral ham
Friday, November 17, 2006
Outside of Hasbrouck today, at some point after some meal, Eliza and Jean paid me the best compliments I've gotten in a while, and they made me feel really good.
It just goes to show that like...after the shittiest week ever (concerning Mercury being in retrograde in Scorpio), there are still those people who make it all okay. And I love people like that, people who make me realize that I can live where I am. I love my friends, I really do.
They're the best distraction ever.
Current mood:  <3 Current music: "In my mothafuckin mouhaohaouth." (in my head?)
Thursday, November 16, 2006
11:47AM
I need to stop living my life as one giant fucking mistake.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Hello, glorious reminder of my reproductive system and everything it entails.
My idea of quitting the Mobil station so far as been not showing up for my shift on Sunday and not picking up my phone when they called to see where I was. That's outlandishly irresponsible and very unlike me, but I haven't been able to care much about anything really these days, especially people I barely know who are involved in training me for a job I hate. I'm disappointed in myself in the sense that I couldn't tough it out until Thanksgiving, but since I've lost my wallet and everything I don't forsee much spending in my future, minus borrowing money for cigarettes and paying people back once I obtain a new debit card.
But yeah, so, I think I'm going to figure out a way to get my mom to fax me my social security card and then I'm going to march down to the Mobil station and quit by means of "I'm really sorry, I'm having a lot of family problems and I had to go home over the weekend. I completely forgot I was working on Sunday, and right now isn't a good time for me to have a job because it seems I'm going to be going home a lot in light of recent events. I'm sorry, and here's my social security card. Now fucking pay me, bitch."
Something along those lines. And somewhere in there I'm going to drop Sophia's name because she's looking for a job and I know she'd be better at the work than I would anyway. Hooray.
Current mood:  flighty Current music: Divine Moments of Truth by Shpongle
Sunday, November 12, 2006
A fucking epic night (epic being the word of the night).
And you know something.
I don't even care anymore. I thought about Thanksgiving today and decided that I'm fucking glad I've met the people I've met. I love every last single fucking one of them, no matter what's happened between us, I just fucking love them, and I love moving into this world I've never been in before, to finally associate myself with peers who I expect to be adults just like I expect myself to be an adult, and I'm glad that these are the people I'll be living with and loving and existing with for the next four years, and maybe beyond that too, and I Just don't care anymore. I can't care anymore, I can't fucking do it dude because it hurts too bad to wake up in the morning and ask how everyone else is feeling when I should be asking myself how I'm feeling and I should be paying more attention to that than anything.
So yeah, so I love it here.
But I've got a countdown going til Thanksgiving
when I can see the people who are still home, the people that I love.
Like Taylor Tonkin and Caroline Doherty and Brittany Schlude
and Eliot Greene and Katie Rosenquist and Jon Greco
and John Sisto
and I love everyone and I just can't care anymore.
My feelings are important to me and I'm tired of second guessing myself when they get hurt.
So I love everyone i've touched and I've met
and if you've hurt me I'll forgive you.
Just give me some fucking time to get over how fucking angry I am.
(11 days and counting)
Current mood:  indescribable Current music: Pulp Fiction in the other room
Friday, November 10, 2006
Every time I read an article on New Paltz's own paper The Oracle, my faith in my (almost) decided major is restored. While journalism might not necessarily be the place for me, MUSIC journalism on the other hand I think is a great fucking idea. I'm not sure if any given occupation would make me happier than one that consists of getting free CDs in the mail to listen to and review...and get PAID for it. What a great idea. What a great fucking idea.
And I think, if I can do it right, that for my internship I might intern at the offices of Spin magazine (or something like it) in the city when the time comes. And maybe further along in my career I can start my own zine. Oh the possibilities of my future are endless. Music. Writing. Music. Writing.
Music.
Writing.
And music.
And writing.
And music and writing and music and writing
and it just feels so good to say.
Current mood:  excited Current music: Sophia's guitar/singing in the common room
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
I'm very excited that the first election I was allowed to vote in I got to see such an incredible shift in the tides. With my confidence dwindling over the past two years, I feel a lot better knowing that there's a better chance of things changing.
In other news, the Supreme Court is looking at two abortion cases, which makes me a little uneasy because of Bush's pals sitting there, but hopefully they'll uphold their previous rulings and allow a woman to keep her current right to choose. I'm not saying I'm for partial-birth abortion, cuz I ain't. But when it comes to it otherwise, don't tell me a fetus, which doesn't even have enough formed fingers to vote with, should have more rights than a woman with her own mind.
And in other other news, four more states banned gay marriage (Tennessee, Virgina, South Carolina, and Wisconsin), bringing the total number up to fifteen states. But I have a decent amount of faith that Eliot Spitzer will at least prevent that from happening in New York, if not bringing about marriage equality altogether.
I feel sort of stupid right now, kind of lame, a little immature for some reason. Like, Nikki, chill. It's not even like you were voting for the presidency. But for some reason, I just have a lot of faith. A lot of faith.
Current mood: pleased Current music: Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
I've been walked on so much that people don't even have to push me over to do it anymore. I just lay down right the fuck in front of them. But I have the deepest faith that everyone you touch will figure you out eventually, and that's my retribution. That's my fucking payback.
Meanwhile, on a less spiteful and vengeful note (well no not really), today was my first day at the Mobile station. I never thought I could miss FYE as badly as I did during that six-and-a-half hour shift, most of which I spent planning out what I was going to have to do in order to quit. The game plan is I'm going to at least make it through this week (from today to Sunday I'm working twenty-four hours total...when I told the manager I only wanted fifteen). Then I'm going to try to make it to Thanksgiving, when I will go home and work at FYE (OH GLORIOUS HOMELAND OF SHITTY MUSIC AND UNATTRACTIVE GRAY POLO SHIRTS!), and then I'll quit shortly after and go job hunting in town until around Christmas, or maybe not go job hunting at all. And then next semester I'll do nightwatch.
I never thought I would live up to the poor college student stereotype, but I think I do it well.
And I have to vote today. Lawd, one more step into my foreboding and awaiting adulthood.
Current mood:  busy
Saturday, November 4, 2006
The worst hangover ever, I spent the day moping through the hours, watching episodes of Daria on YouTube and battling a headache. I had two meals of shit food, the last of which being at the very end of Hasbrouck's Saturday Night Existence, and I'm sure we all know what that means.
Last night I felt classless in a classy environment, dressed in clothes that reminded me of how my body has betrayed me, and I came to a fabulous realization that you can mix anything with Sunny D and you won't taste a fucking thing. The two-and-a-half shots in every Sunny D screwdriver I had went down so smooth that when the room started to spin I had to remind myself of the reason why. But I am surrounded by such cool people I'm sure they really don't care that I'm not too classy, and I spent the night thankful that I was as drunk as I wanted to be, and not, again, the person kneeling in front of the toilet throwing up or the person passed out on the couch or the person stumbling down the street or the person being forcefed water and ibprofen.
Despite what anyone says to me.
And now it's ten o' clock and I've just showered and I'm getting ready to go out because the way I see it, the suite is empty and so is my self and if my self is going to be empty I might as well be empty with other people around me, and we should all smoke and drink and listen to music and talk about shit and have a good time and I can forget it again until tomorrow, when this aspect of a hangover returns.
I'm thankful, I'm thankful, I swear. Just give me a minute to remember.
Current mood:  melancholy Current music: Moya by Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Friday, November 3, 2006
No I will not feel guilty for not falling back into my passive way of living, my maybe-I-just-won't-say-anything-because-I-think-I'm-overreacting.
I've had this incredible realization that being sensitive is okay. And I can control my overreactions, but I can also be honest with people about how they've made me feel. And I can accept what they're saying, and I can tell them that yeah if you're going to apologize it's cool and I forgive you, but you still need to give me time to be pissed because FUCK YEAH that's just how I work.
I'm glad I'm this emotional, because I'm in TUNE with my emotions cuz I feel them so strongly. So when people come to me and they need to talk to me I CAN EMPATHIZE. Not SYMPATHIZE, fucking EMPATHIZE because I know how they FEEL. So FUCK YEAH I'm glad I'm emotional and FUCK YEAH I'm glad I'm not like you. I'M GLAD I CAN FEEL SHIT.
It's so fucking empowering, I feel so fucking GOOD ABOUT IT.
Current mood:  fuckin empowered Current music: Say Hello to the Angels by Interpol
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Well hi November. When did you show up?
It's been weird. I think it was the weather, but like...October, my favorite month of the year, completely blew past in my head. It was like thirty-one days of being unaware of how beautiful things are, and I think it's really because the weather threw me for a loop. For the past two weeks I've been walking around shivering in apparel I save until around Thanksgiving, and then yesterday and today I was considering just wearing a t-shirt. I don't like when it doesn't feel like October. I don't like when it feels like January in October, or April in October. I have another six and a half months to be eighteen. I don't want to skip it.
Who knows what might happen.
Current mood:  hmmm Current music: Blowin in the Wind by Bob Dylan
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
For a holiday that's supposed to be so huge in New Paltz, I did a very good job at totally forgetting it was Halloween until Jamie reminded me that we're going to Cabaloosa's tonight. Holler.
In other news--
inspiriation has been flowing and I have to say I've not been doing much with it, but that's all right. Sometimes feeling it is good enough for me, because it's so rare that it comes around. I just wish I could figure out a way to take all the shit I feel and put it together into something beautiful.
Because it's like...I know I have the capacity to create something that will make people feel. But between my brain and the physical world, there's some weird blockage that's been there for years. I can't figure out how to make it go away.
On an unrelated note, I'm excited to go home for Thanksgiving and see my family and my friends and work at FYE, even if it's just for a few hours. I need the money. And the break. Although I love college with all of my little eighteen-year-old-first-semester-freshman self.
Fuck yeah.
Current mood:  calm Current music: Fishing the Sky by The Appleseed Cast
Sunday, October 29, 2006
This whole excessive drinking thing I've been doing ever since I got to college needs to come to an end. Also, my smoking needs to at least disintegrate a little bit. I checked my balance today and I have $22 dollars to my name. A great feeling, a great feeling.
I haven't really been in a very good place lately. But I guess that doesn't matter too much, does it. I found good music today and that's what really counts.
Yeah. That's it.
Grains of sand will slip
down through my open fingers.
Nothing stays the same.
Current mood:  hungry Current music: 21-87 by hrsta
Thursday, October 26, 2006
It's been a period of thinking and re-thinking and assessing and re-assessing and figuring out proper spelling.
I've come to the conclusion that, with friends, you will make it through.
And I've come to the conclusion that, without friends, you will make it through.
Both scenarious require patience and an open mind, both of which I don't have sometimes. But I'm learning.
Current mood: not so angry anymore Current music: Tropical Iceland by The Fiery Furnaces
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